When you come into a new year, it's typical for people to make resolutions that apply to yourself. The intention being, usually, to become a better "you" over the course of the new year. I on the other hand have made a list of inventions, technologies, or ideas that I would like to see come about in this grand ol' leap year of 2008. The idea here being to make a better world. I think at least four hopes are reasonable, especially since it allowed me to create a cool title.
1. Presence Dampener: You know when you're walking in a parking lot at night and you 'feel' as if somebody is behind you? And then there's your friend! Or when you're in a room all alone and you can just 'tell' when somebody has entered the room? Well never fear you pranksters! The Presence Dampener is a hand-held device that will actually cause your presence to disappear when activated! Studies show that the device works by phasing only your mass into a parallel dimension. Gravity will still act on you though, because this other dimension also has gravity, so don't fear. People will no longer 'sense' you without seeing, hearing, smelling, feeling, or tasting you directly!
2. Abolition of Daylight Saving Time: I believe it no longer serves a purpose and should be banned from ever happening again. It was a good idea at the time, don't get me wrong. Farmers and the like needed more daylight during particular seasons, so let's shift the clock so that normal working hours are more in sync with daytime. Fantastic. Now we have floodlights, and less people are farmers or the like. I'm pretty sure we're done with Daylight Saving Time.
3. Conversion of English to Newspeak: If you've never read 1984 by George Orwell, I suggest you try. Now. In the book, the English Socialist party had created a new language that cut out tons of superfluous words. E.g. good, great, fantastic, and incredibly phenomenal became good, plusgood, doubleplusgood, and double-doubleplusgood. See how much easier that is than having all those other words? Simplicity is elegance. (1984 fans would be chuckling because of that sentence).
4. Discovery of alien life: I'm pretty sure I'd crap my pants twice if we finally found evidence of alien life, even if it's a fossil on Mars. It doesn't have to be alive, it just has to have been alive at some time. People talk about it all the time, but if it actually happened, can you imagine the mayhem? Maybe mayhem is the wrong word, but really, if you think about it, it'd be a double-doubleplusgood event! Wow.
January 6, 2008
December 30, 2007
December 29, 2007
A New Year
Do people ever wonder, I wonder, about the deep and most profound question surrounding the beginning of a new year? Why is it on January 1st? Does nobody ever think to themselves, gosh but it's great to be having this fun party and getting to kiss some random girl because you should always kiss somebody right at midnight?... not that I do, I usually go to the bathroom to ring in the new year... but anyway.
Well, because I had already taken my History of Calendars back to the library (not joking), I had to make due with that other extremely accurate and trustworthy source for this little blog: Wikipedia (joking about the trustworthiness, but hey, it's just a blog, not a dissertation). Two major calendars have been used in the days of yore, the Julian and Gregorian, and both had year starting dates on different days. That's about all I'm going to say on that. When the Gregorian came out, it was cooler than sliced bread, I think. We got new names for our months and everybody was happier than a horse on a skating rink. The origin for the name of January came from Janus who was the Roman god of gates or doorways, and beginnings and endings. I'm pretty sure that's the only reason we picked January and the only reason we picked January 1 was because nobody starts counting with zero.
The Julian calendar liked to start on January 1 as well, but other peoples of the world were somewhat belligerent to the people of the Calendaric Julianus faith and decided to pick their own starting dates, March 25th, Easter, December 25th, September 1st to name a few. Personally, I don't know what they were thinking either. History critical dates as beginning of the year... maybe it made it easier to remember.
From all my Wikipedia-ing (I'm so embarrassed), I have discovered no connection between perhaps....oh I don't know, the orientation of our planet in the solar system or galaxy! Wouldn't that have been the most obvious point to start a new year? Is that too anally scientific of me? The Gregorian calendar doesn't even land the new year on an equinox for cryin' out loud! And with the way the Earth is slowing down, it'll only be a couple thousand years (or more) until it doesn't matter a hill of beans how long a year is or where it'll land.
Well, that's my quick little "Let's make my friends think about that for at least 5 minutes" dealy-o. I trust you're thoroughly outraged by now at the manipulation with which we're required to celebrate the new year. Personally, I'm switching to March 20th. I'll still see you on Dec 31st to maintain my image with the secret government division of compliance. ;)
Well, because I had already taken my History of Calendars back to the library (not joking), I had to make due with that other extremely accurate and trustworthy source for this little blog: Wikipedia (joking about the trustworthiness, but hey, it's just a blog, not a dissertation). Two major calendars have been used in the days of yore, the Julian and Gregorian, and both had year starting dates on different days. That's about all I'm going to say on that. When the Gregorian came out, it was cooler than sliced bread, I think. We got new names for our months and everybody was happier than a horse on a skating rink. The origin for the name of January came from Janus who was the Roman god of gates or doorways, and beginnings and endings. I'm pretty sure that's the only reason we picked January and the only reason we picked January 1 was because nobody starts counting with zero.
The Julian calendar liked to start on January 1 as well, but other peoples of the world were somewhat belligerent to the people of the Calendaric Julianus faith and decided to pick their own starting dates, March 25th, Easter, December 25th, September 1st to name a few. Personally, I don't know what they were thinking either. History critical dates as beginning of the year... maybe it made it easier to remember.
From all my Wikipedia-ing (I'm so embarrassed), I have discovered no connection between perhaps....oh I don't know, the orientation of our planet in the solar system or galaxy! Wouldn't that have been the most obvious point to start a new year? Is that too anally scientific of me? The Gregorian calendar doesn't even land the new year on an equinox for cryin' out loud! And with the way the Earth is slowing down, it'll only be a couple thousand years (or more) until it doesn't matter a hill of beans how long a year is or where it'll land.
Well, that's my quick little "Let's make my friends think about that for at least 5 minutes" dealy-o. I trust you're thoroughly outraged by now at the manipulation with which we're required to celebrate the new year. Personally, I'm switching to March 20th. I'll still see you on Dec 31st to maintain my image with the secret government division of compliance. ;)
December 13, 2007
4th Thursday to the 359th
There's a wholesome feeling this time of year.
I know not where it comes from, nor do I care.
It bubbles and churns in leaps and in bounds,
Moving around like the tide ebbs and flows.
Some have lost it, some never had it,
And some are clueless about how to use it.
How sad that empty soul that observes all others
Enjoying themselves with joy and with cheer
While they go along with their mocha or beer.
Aurally accosted from left and from right
With music and singing that's seasonally bright.
No escape or end till December the twenty-sixth,
Since all capitalists gaily project it to make profits stick
But joy is good and cheer is great
Reach for it, grab it, embrace it right now!
For too soon it's gone
And three hundred thirty more days will come,
Where it's harder than diamonds to find that love.
Thank Heaven for cultural indoctrination,
That's imbued these feelings into an intangible portion
Of our perception called years!
I know not where it comes from, nor do I care.
It bubbles and churns in leaps and in bounds,
Moving around like the tide ebbs and flows.
Some have lost it, some never had it,
And some are clueless about how to use it.
How sad that empty soul that observes all others
Enjoying themselves with joy and with cheer
While they go along with their mocha or beer.
Aurally accosted from left and from right
With music and singing that's seasonally bright.
No escape or end till December the twenty-sixth,
Since all capitalists gaily project it to make profits stick
But joy is good and cheer is great
Reach for it, grab it, embrace it right now!
For too soon it's gone
And three hundred thirty more days will come,
Where it's harder than diamonds to find that love.
Thank Heaven for cultural indoctrination,
That's imbued these feelings into an intangible portion
Of our perception called years!
November 18, 2007
When Thoughts Meet The Keyboard
Look behind you, stones of Ash and Wood!
Where did you come from?
Can you even remember?
Why did you leave and where are you going?
To some dark, dire end,
Just like the rest of us
...no doubt.
I'll save you the trouble of finding out
I know! I've been there!
Alas, I've only come back as a cruel joke
A whim of the Ones beyond the horizon.
Their realm is dark and dim and tragic
A bastion of evil
A palisade of fagots.
They're vicious and altogether evil.
Don't bother with them.
I"m stuck already, but there's a way.
Go back, tell others.
Stay this course or be forever.
Trapped in an amorphous whirlpool,
Spun around at Their caprice.
For spun you'll be,
Theirs is an unstable land.
Go back, if you can.
Take me with you.
Where did you come from?
Can you even remember?
Why did you leave and where are you going?
To some dark, dire end,
Just like the rest of us
...no doubt.
I'll save you the trouble of finding out
I know! I've been there!
Alas, I've only come back as a cruel joke
A whim of the Ones beyond the horizon.
Their realm is dark and dim and tragic
A bastion of evil
A palisade of fagots.
They're vicious and altogether evil.
Don't bother with them.
I"m stuck already, but there's a way.
Go back, tell others.
Stay this course or be forever.
Trapped in an amorphous whirlpool,
Spun around at Their caprice.
For spun you'll be,
Theirs is an unstable land.
Go back, if you can.
Take me with you.
November 7, 2007
Game Time
It's time to play everybody's favorite game of fact or bull...crap, bullcrap, yes, that's it. Here we go.
1. V-formation flying avians only fly in odd numbers, regardless of symmetry.
2. Caffeine, in its crystalline form, can be used as an explosive.
3. 13 people in the US die every year from nasal complications due to smelly shoes.
4. Ketchup's acidity allows it to 'eat' through aluminum foil.
5. Kansas seceded from the Union in 1968, but then changed its mind.
Tell me what you think in a comment or something.
1. V-formation flying avians only fly in odd numbers, regardless of symmetry.
2. Caffeine, in its crystalline form, can be used as an explosive.
3. 13 people in the US die every year from nasal complications due to smelly shoes.
4. Ketchup's acidity allows it to 'eat' through aluminum foil.
5. Kansas seceded from the Union in 1968, but then changed its mind.
Tell me what you think in a comment or something.
November 1, 2007
Apogee of Epiphany
Well, starting on Saturday, sometime in the late afternoon, my life transferred to a zone of existence that can only be described the following way; dark and abyssmal, with false exits that lead even deeper into the void of inky blackness with periodic depressions of no hope whatsoever. Albeit, that is a brief description as I don't want to panic anybody. Anyway, during these interim days, I've had several stunning realizations about my life and life in general that I'd like to share briefly; to get them out there, as it were.
1. My life's motto was given to me on Tuesday after a particular terrible day at work. I know my motto already, but apparently, I'd forgotten it. In addition to Be Prepared, my life's motto is:
Plan (A) for the best, expect the worst, scrap (A) and plan (B) for the worst, then be surprised and happy when (A) goes through.
A long motto I know, but that's how I live my life. Well, I didn't plan for the worst and that made my day just a little more sucky (forgive the lack of an erudite word) on Tuesday because the worst happened. Go fig.
2. Video games serve no purpose and those of us who game and are intelligent enough to realize this fact are in even more trouble. This one hit me whilst I was playing a game and when I decided that I should go do something else, nothing else appealed at that particular moment. Stuck between that proverbial rock and hard place, I continued playing, knowing all the while that I was wasting minutes and hours of my life away. Sad.
3. Well, I can't remember the third one, but know this - It would have shaken the foundations of the earth.
1. My life's motto was given to me on Tuesday after a particular terrible day at work. I know my motto already, but apparently, I'd forgotten it. In addition to Be Prepared, my life's motto is:
Plan (A) for the best, expect the worst, scrap (A) and plan (B) for the worst, then be surprised and happy when (A) goes through.
A long motto I know, but that's how I live my life. Well, I didn't plan for the worst and that made my day just a little more sucky (forgive the lack of an erudite word) on Tuesday because the worst happened. Go fig.
2. Video games serve no purpose and those of us who game and are intelligent enough to realize this fact are in even more trouble. This one hit me whilst I was playing a game and when I decided that I should go do something else, nothing else appealed at that particular moment. Stuck between that proverbial rock and hard place, I continued playing, knowing all the while that I was wasting minutes and hours of my life away. Sad.
3. Well, I can't remember the third one, but know this - It would have shaken the foundations of the earth.
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